Letter of thanks to men who can convert lesbians

To many of the kind men out there,

I'm so glad that you realised that my article titled What I want in a woman secretly meant "If you're nice to me we might have a threesome one day." God forbid any man should take my lesbian tendencies seriously.

Thank you so much for offering to convert me to the straight and apparently not narrow (yes, providing me with details of your penis size does excite me.) How kind of you to offer to sacrifice yourself sexually just to save me from lesbianism. Obviously sleeping with men had never occurred to me before now and I'm so glad I have someone like you who is kind enough to "Show me what I'm missing."

How wise you are to point out "You just haven't met the right man yet." Perhaps you're right. I only meet a hundred or so men each year and I've barely given thirty a chance to romance me. With such small samples I'm not giving myself a chance to measure true masculinity. I really need to get out there and meet more young men because it's not as though a male dominated, university town like Oxford is swarming with them.

Of course my determination to be with a woman is down to a deep routed hatred of all men. It couldn't possibly be to do with appreciation of the female character and form. Please don't take the fact that many of my best friends are guys to be an indication that I enjoy male company. It's merely a plot to catch them off guard so that I can ruin their lives with the bitter feminist hatred that torments me.

It's also very kind of you to offer me a threesome. What did your girlfriend say when you told her?

Let me tell you a little something about FFM threesomes. The only circumstance under which a lesbian would ever consider having a threesome with you, is if it was the only way to bed a gorgeous female and even then, you'd have to take a passive role - like being locked in the wardrobe. Call me selfish but if I find myself a gorgeous girl, I won't want to share her with you.

Do write again soon. Your comments are all very original and thought provoking.

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