Taking Political Correctness too far

I've had "Don't prejudge" drummed into me so heavily, particularly with respect to gender and sexuality, that when I found that a male from Aston had joined the Oxford Lesbian Entertainment Society, rather than just kicking him out, I sent a message allowing him to explain himself just in case he was a gender confused, homosexual visiting student.

Being open minded is time consuming. Sometimes I think you need to just screw political correctness and go on sheer probability.

Dress to Impress

Like many others, I dressed up for a party at my college. No less than three people (all male) asked me effectively the same question:

"If you don't want to pull tonight, why are you dressed like that?"

Is it completely beyond comprehension that a woman might dress up simply to promote feeling good about herself?

A legal definition of Lesbian Sex

It struck me that with the introduction of Civil Partnerships to the UK in 2004, the law may have been forced to define lesbian sex in order to assess a partnership's eligibility for annulment should a couple wish to part before a union is consummated. I eagerly researched the law in pursuit of a legal definition of lesbian sex only to discover that there is no requirement to consummate a civil partnership or even for the relationship to be sexual.

Lesbian Supermarket Cruising – A "How To" Guide

The BBC website offers advice on how to chat someone up in a supermarket. Despite opening with "create opportunities where you can subtly talk to someone" they go on to suggest that you accost a stranger to ask for a wine recommendation. Yes, I wouldn't spot that one a mile off! Nevertheless, their advice is thorough so I decided to adapt the article for the lesbian audience.

How to cruise supermarkets for lesbians

Whilst "Your eyes are like spanners - every time you look at me my nuts tighten," might work for a man, lesbians simply don't have the right equipment to utilise most sure fire chat up lines. Similarly "If I'm a pain in your arse, we can just add more lube." and "Do you want to see something swell?" are also out. Therefore lesbians need to work on more subtle approach scenarios.

You don't have to be in Candy Bar, G-A-Y or even 'Sh!' supermarkets are also ideal places to meet women.

Make sure you're looking good and if possible, a little gay. You don't have to go for the full on bull dyke look, a simple rainbow scarf or trilby will do – these are signs that other lesbians will look out for when cruising the supermarkets but which will allow you to remain undetected by the majority of shoppers. Take time to prepare yourself as you would if you were going out in the evening - spend two minutes perfecting your casual "Just nipping out" look.

Choose your supermarket wisely. If you're looking for an upmarket, professional lesbian try Sainsbury's or even Marks & Spencer's. If on the other hand, you're a cheap scank, a student or someone for whom socioeconomic class is unimportant, opt for somewhere less classy such as Tesco or Co-Op.

When you arrive at your chosen cruising ground you must decide whether or not to use a shopping aid or an old fashioned hand job. Whilst baskets and trolleys can help with the transportation or items, a strategic "dropping" of items balanced in the hands, can help to initiate conversations.

Scrutinise the trolleys and baskets of fellow shoppers - when you notice copies of 'Diva,' non-microwaveable cling film (makeshift dental dams) and nail clippers, begin to stalk the shopper. Should any of the following items find their way into your target's basket, abort mission immediately: razor blades, makeup, condoms. Also look at the size of items in the basket – a large pizza suggests company whilst a small ready meal suggests that a girl is single and has no plans for the evening.

Make sure that your own items are appealing. Carrying hot chocolate, whipped cream and cucumbers will make women more interested in going home with you. Avoid walking around with natural yoghurt, cranberry juice or lemsip because they suggest unwelcome infections.

When you are ready to make your approach, be careful to choose an appropriate section of the supermarket. No romances have ever begun in the toilet roll ilse, the tampon isle or at the fish counter. I would suggest making your move in either the biscuit isle, the entertainment section or the alcohol section.

You could start with something light, "Excuse me, sorry to interrupt but do you know if they stock 'Diva' magazine? Oh, they don't? Can you suggest something else I could use to get my lesbian kicks tonight?"

Now you have instigated the conversation, the wheels are in motion! If you get good vibes, move onto something a little flirtatious.

Good luck and don't forget, if you're planning to seduce a woman at the supermarket, when you get her home hide the five cans of whipped cream you bought during previous cruising missions.

Picture source: http://au.lifestyle.yahoo.com

More Biphobia – Prejudice against Manic Depressives

Miss Urgent also says...

"Secondly - I dated 2 women with really bad mental illness and it was a complete nightmare for me.

Very drainy - not knowing the severity of their mental condition before hand. These women lied to me about their conditions - which was very sad.

But I raise my hat off to you - you are out there -honest with your condition.

So people know what they are taking on before hand. Bless you for that.

I also no longer give free counselling to friends - so I will decline the offer to be friends with you. knowing your background.

I don't have the energy or time to support someone with your condition."

Slightly less irritating than Miss Urgent's attitude toward bisexuals is her attitude towards people suffering from mental health problems. Once again she has made a snap judgement based on a label but I find this a little more tolerable because at least she knows her limitations and admits to them rather than pretending she can handle things and then pulling away at a later date, which is all too familiar a scenario.

However, whilst "drainy" may be a reasonable description of dealing with me when I'm ill, it is an assumption she should not have made. Many people suffering from this illness live perfectly healthy, "normal" lives provided they take their medication and whilst I believe being open about my condition is the right thing for me, many people wish to keep such things quiet and that is their prerogative.

I'm also rather amused by her remarks about providing free counselling and declining my offer of friendship; as I recall, my initial email only said:

"Hi there, we have similar interests. Get back to me."

Her 300+ word explanation followed by

"Tough lifestyle hey - well as we both know what we want -I will terminate my communication with you."

was rather overkill. A simple failure to respond or "Sorry not my type." would have sufficed and she wouldn't have had to display appalling overgeneralisation and prejudice but then all lesbians do like to talk and she is 100% gay.

Biphobia – Prejudice against Bisexuals

I am so tired of prejudice against bisexuals. Granted, there are a handful of experimental girls who briefly dabble in lesbianism and then disappear back to men leaving a fulltime lesbian to nurse a broken heart, however, it is unfair to tar us all with the same brush.

When I'm with somebody, I want to be with that person irrespective of gender. Yes, I could leave a girlfriend for a man but I could leave anybody for somebody else, sexuality doesn't come into it.

One prominent example of biphobia was when a girl tried to chat me up on behalf of her friend at "Flirt," a gay night that used to take place at an Oxford nightspot called The OFS. When she beckoned me over I was quite excited because she was fit but it turned out that she was the straight friend of a really sour-looking lesbian. The lesbian who apparently fancied me, stood rooted to the spot gawping, which made her look ugly and the fact that she couldn't even chat me up herself was a definite turn off. Eventually, after a long, awkward pause, the straight friend asked me
"Are you gay?"
"I'm bisexual" I told her. To which she replied
"Well that's no good, she's a lesbian." And with that they walked off looking disgusted.

Added to which, when one of my best friends ran for the LGBsoc Bisexual Representative a few years ago, a former president told her "Just make something up" because she simply couldn't comprehend that a woman could actually be attracted to both genders.

You'd have thought that if anybody could understand that you can't control who you're attracted to, it would be another queer person but no, bisexuals are often considered to be either straight girls pretending to be gay or lesbians who can't come to terms with their true sexuality.

What really wound me up was the response from a girl I contacted through Gumtree. I'll refer to her as Miss Urgent because she marks all of her emails as "Urgent" even though they are essentially just the tiresome ramblings of a prejudiced, arrogant and bitter woman who is so close minded that she's limiting her horizons by making snap judgement about people, based on either crude stereotypes or hard luck stories from her past.

Miss Urgent was listed as femme seeking femme and advertising specifically for lesbians. This is rather uncommon so I jumped at the chance to email her. I explained to her that whilst "bisexual" was an apt description of my past, I now feel that I'm at a place in my life where I'm not at all interested in men and if I was forced to define one way or another, I would say I am a lesbian. I am not so arrogant that I presume I can predict the future, therefore I refuse to take on any label that describes what is the come.

Her response included the following

"Bisexual no thanks - whether you are 50% Bisexual or 50% lesbian today as the present situation stands with you. I have no right to judge you.

What my ad stated - is 100% gay female and that you are not!

Sorry. I am not interested in dating or being friends with bisexual women.

Whether 100% or 50% or whether that percentage changes daily, weekly or monthly. Am a realistic!"

How dare somebody start with an opener about not judging me and then proceed to be exceptionally judgemental! I get to decide who I'm interested in and how I behave in a relationship, not her. Besides of which, giving your sexuality a statistical value is absolute nonsense.

The answer to World Peace

I have a rather demanding friend who requested World Peace for his birthday. Due to phonetic limitations, I ended up giving him a segment of a globe instead, World Piece. He wasn't impressed.

But then World Peace isn't exactly easy to come by… No wait, "scientists" in California have come up with the answer…

A Global Orgasm.

That's it ladies and gentlemen, the answer to world peace is not global democracy, a world government or even listening to "Imagine" often enough on your iPod. No, it's all about sex.

On 22nd December, winter solstice day, people all over the world ("especially in countries with weapons of mass destruction") are urged to take part in a synchronised global orgasm. Apparently you're allowed to get your kicks however and wherever you like, so long as you focus on peace during and after the climax.

According to the Global Orgasm website:

"The combination of high- energy orgasmic energy combined with mindful intention may have a much greater effect than previous mass meditations and prayers."

Well that's good then, because I was really confident about the power of prayer. Especially with religion having had such a positive effect on world peace so far.

Still not convinced? There is a video demonstration explaining the theory behind it complete with a photo of Princeton University.

I'm not sure whether this is a brilliant internet spoof or a genuine, albeit daft, project. But if millions of people orgasm and it has no effect on the quantum field, at least Kleenex will experience a minor boost in their sales.

Eva Green - A Deserving Bond Girl?

I'm told that the girl who had me mesmerised in her role as Isabel in "The Dreamers" doesn't make a tasty bond girl.

How can this be?

Eva Green is one of the single most beautiful things I've seen in cinema this year and I've been eagerly awaiting Casino Royale. Please tell me my expectations won't be shattered when I finally get to see it.

Letter of thanks to men who can convert lesbians

To many of the kind men out there,

I'm so glad that you realised that my article titled What I want in a woman secretly meant "If you're nice to me we might have a threesome one day." God forbid any man should take my lesbian tendencies seriously.

Thank you so much for offering to convert me to the straight and apparently not narrow (yes, providing me with details of your penis size does excite me.) How kind of you to offer to sacrifice yourself sexually just to save me from lesbianism. Obviously sleeping with men had never occurred to me before now and I'm so glad I have someone like you who is kind enough to "Show me what I'm missing."

How wise you are to point out "You just haven't met the right man yet." Perhaps you're right. I only meet a hundred or so men each year and I've barely given thirty a chance to romance me. With such small samples I'm not giving myself a chance to measure true masculinity. I really need to get out there and meet more young men because it's not as though a male dominated, university town like Oxford is swarming with them.

Of course my determination to be with a woman is down to a deep routed hatred of all men. It couldn't possibly be to do with appreciation of the female character and form. Please don't take the fact that many of my best friends are guys to be an indication that I enjoy male company. It's merely a plot to catch them off guard so that I can ruin their lives with the bitter feminist hatred that torments me.

It's also very kind of you to offer me a threesome. What did your girlfriend say when you told her?

Let me tell you a little something about FFM threesomes. The only circumstance under which a lesbian would ever consider having a threesome with you, is if it was the only way to bed a gorgeous female and even then, you'd have to take a passive role - like being locked in the wardrobe. Call me selfish but if I find myself a gorgeous girl, I won't want to share her with you.

Do write again soon. Your comments are all very original and thought provoking.

x

You know you look straight when...

- you try to buy a rainbow flag and the salesman says "You do realise this is a gay pride flag?"
- girls come up to you in gay bars and ask if you're gay to settle a bet they were having.
- the bouncers at G.A.Y. are reluctant to let you in.
- you pull a girl and she says "I bet you prefer men."

All things that have happened to me.

The six women you meet in gay bars

Whilst I appreciate that categorising ones sexuality is daft, it's clearly perfectly acceptable to divide the women I meet in gay bars into definitive groups based on other criteria. The following list is the result of five years of intensive scientific research and not something to be taken lightly.

1. Professional Lesbians

These are girls whose entire lifestyle revolves around the gay scene. They've known they were gay since they were three. While most female children go through a period of hating boys, these girls are busy climbing trees and playing football with the lads, right up until the point when they seduce their female secondary school teacher and then start munching rug on a regular basis, by which point the only significant men left in their lives are gay.

They generally work as journalists for gay publications, left-wing politicians, lesbian bar managers and truck mechanics.

It is easy to spot a professional lesbian because she will have gone out of her way to assume a lesbian image often having short spiky hair, piercing and tattoos. The typical uniform includes a tank top, baggy hipster jeans and heavy flat-soled boots.

These women are often decidedly butch.

2. Casual Lesbians

This subgroup of lesbians are the ones who've done away with the beauty rituals of being an extreme femme without taking on the time commitment required to actively make oneself look intentionally butch.

Most casual lesbians first become aware of their sexuality when they develop a hopeless crush on their heterosexual school friend which prevents them from fully exploring their sexuality until either university of their late teens when an older, predatory lesbian introduces them to the gay scene.

Spotters can identify these women because they usually wear their hair either long and tied back or short and scruffy because they don't bother with regular trims. They rarely wear makeup and don't understand nail varnish at all. They wear jeans, trainers and casual tops in neutral colours.

3. Femme Lesbians

Femmes are often the last to come out of the closet, having experienced a few relationships with men before realising their lesbian tendencies. Their first one or two sexual encounters with women are usually experimental and unnerving but with time they adjust to a lesbian lifestyle.

It is important not to mistake femme lesbians for fag hags. A useful pointer is to look at the people she is dancing with. A fag hag usually restricts dancing to a raunchy display of grinding with gay men whilst genuine lesbians usually hang around in mixed or female groups. Look for signs such as noticeably gay female friends.

Beware, very few of these women are single so watch them move for a while before launching an attack - the last thing you need is a girlfriend returning from the bar just after you've introduced yourself with "Hi, are you a lesbian?"

Whilst most femmes dress in very feminine clothing, the shoes and finger nails are often a give away. A sexually active lesbian usually keeps her nails short and often their beautification ritual breaks down when it comes to a decision between comfortable shoes and stiletto heals with lesbians quite sensibly opting for the pain-free option.

4. Bicurious women

These are irritating women who rarely have any sexual interest in other females but have decided to either experiment because it's fashionable or pretend to be experimenting to impress men. This can be devastating for lesbians who fall for them but rather useful to women who like to sleep with and corrupt innocent, feminine girls. These women often go to gay bars with the hidden agenda of wanting to meet bisexual men. Occasionally bicurious women attend gay bars with their boyfriends in the hope of finding a girl for a threesome.

Bicurious women are usually dressed in a feminine manner (including the shoes) and they can be spotted because when they're dancing close to women they're checking out fit men of their shoulders; so if you're interested in one, be sure to ask a friend to stand behind you and check where her eyes are focussing.

5. Straight women

Whilst it would be a travesty if gay bars were exclusive to gay people, you would hope that straight people who choose to attend would be comfortable around lesbians. Regrettably many straight women at gay bars react with terror if a lesbian so much as glances at them, grabbing the neared gay man and pretending to snog his face off to assert the fact that there's nothing she would like to do less than fall into bed with a lesbian pervert. However their contempt for gay people does not extend to gay men who they'll happily flirt with because they don't feel threatened.

6. Fag hags

These women are dangerous because their repeated presence at gay venues leads lesbians to conclude that they are in fact also homosexual when it turns out that they're just accompanying their habitually gay male friends.

Some fag hags are there because either they have an impossible crush on their best male gay friend or are so bitchy that they simply can't relate to other women on any level. A small number of fag hags harbour the unrealistic dream that they can convert gay men.

Frustratingly fag hags are often very fit and achieve a high level of self-confidence because their gay male friends repeatedly tell them that if they weren't into men, they'd go for her. This combination of self-assurance and physical beauty is deadly.

On labelling

There are some people who choose not to define their sexuality and others who go out of their way to assert it.

I would love to live in a world where other people don't make assumptions about each other's sexuality but I don't. In our society people almost always assume I'm straight unless I go out of my way to hint or even spell out the fact that I'm attracted to women. Therefore in my case, silence is to assume the label "heterosexual" which is more defeating than choosing to explicitly identify myself as "bisexual" or even "lesbian."

Added to which defining gives me a sense of belonging and helps me to meet and bond with like-minded people. I prefer to think of "bisexual" as a description rather than a set of expectations and rules.

As for "bipolar", I have a whole collection of gripes about labelling in psychological disorders but in general I think it's necessary - this is a debate I'll save for another day

Other Bipolar Bisexuals

These days it's impossible to coin a concept that hadn't already been done in one way or another on the internet. "Bipolar Bisexual" is a prime example with a quick google search showing a range of bizarre related sites.

There's Rob Bates' "Bipolar Bisexual song" which incorrectly implies that manic depressives have a split personality. I would love to be able to post a recording of this work but for now, here is a transcript of the first two verses, stolen from his blog.

He’s the bipolar bisexual
And he’s four guys in one
He’s the bipolar bisexual
And he’s always lots of fun

Sometimes he’s straight and manic
Sometimes gay and depressed
Sometimes he’s a happy hetero
And you can guess the rest

More tolerable is Nic's Ramblings of a Medicated Bipolar Bisexual who also has a creative streak. Whilst her blog includes some rather interesting poetry, here are two sample verses to whet your appetite

CA...TN
TN...CA
Home...Home away from home
Love...Hate
Hate...Love

Love...Love...Love

Next up, the bizarre poetry by Shane Allison from the anthology "Black Vaseline". The poem "Searching for Allen Ginsberg" includes the charming lines:

I search for you Allen on the floor of a bipolar bisexual who s-- on my
d--- while being s------ in a recreational park.

Am I the only bipolar bisexual who doesn't feel compelled to fill the internet with poetry and lyrics?

And after joking that a bipolar bisexual would make a good character for a play, I discovered that Jeffrey Hatcher has already created such a creature in his play "Three Viewings" in which a bipolar bisexual drug addict maintains her privileged lifestyle by stealing jewellery from corpses at funeral viewings.

Girl with a heterosexual mind

Wouldn't it be great if we lived in a world where a femme lesbian could walk into any bar she likes and pull another femme lesbian?

Unfortunately the femme seeking femme world is troubled with numerous frustrating obstacles. For a start, feminine lesbians are in a seriously small minority and so femme-femme couples are really uncommon outside of pornography aimed at men. Feminine lesbians often get mistaken for straight women even in gay bars where the words "fag hag" are often whispered. Only the most confident lesbians will chat up women regardless of their apparent sexuality, with the majority of girls only managing to muster up the courage to approach another woman if she also appears to be a lesbian.

I have been reading the paperback Girl with a one track mind to see how somebody went about converting her blog to a novel. It's basically presented as a diary of a sex-obsessed young woman who shags men and then writes explicit and often harsh accounts of their sexual talent. Despite her judgemental style she rather hypocritically offers men the advice
"It's about having fun not your sexual prowess."
Right, so now stop bitching about men who failed to satisfy you.

To begin with, I found the book dull and repetitive. Its author, Abby Lee, gives me nothing to like about her and I have no interest in the sex life of somebody I neither know nor like. I did however, believe that the experiences she was retelling were true, right up until the point where she brought in lesbian content, shortly after which I started to violently bash myself on the forehead with the book.

I'm guessing that her exceedingly heterosexual blog attracted comments which made Lee realise that her male audience would quadruple if she included some lesbian content so she set about making some up. Despite no hints of a bisexual side in the earlier chapters, she suddenly CHOOSES to start looking at other women in a sexual way and is instantly attracted to them. In fact the first woman she looks at asks her to dance straight away even though it's a femme seeking femme situation. Shortly after which, another attractive woman chats her up in a straight club and they retire to the toilets for a spell of rubbing their breasts against each other.

I was furious.

1. You can't suddenly choose to become a lesbian or a bisexual. Whilst a sudden realisation of an existing homosexual tendency could have been plausible, that is certainly not the impression I got from what I've read so far.
2. Even if you're very liberal, there would be a period of adjusting to the idea of homosexual sex, especially if you were such a dedicated man eater.
3. Women don't automatically realise that you're gay just because you decide to be, particularly not if you're feminine, which Lee believes she is.
4. It's exceptionally unlikely that the first woman you're attracted to reciprocates.
5. If finding other lesbians to pull in main stream clubs was so simple, there would be so need for gay venues and there certainly is a market for them.
6. Lesbian sex is two women rubbing breasts? What the f---? Did they also look at a camera and wink moaning "Ooooh! Ooooh!"
7. She concludes from a quick fumble in a club toilet, that women can't satisfy her because she would "Rather have a a cock between her legs than a woman's thigh, no matter how sexy." I'm so glad that she explored lesbian sex to the full before making that decision.

Even if the lesbian encounters she reports are real, I'd have rather seen a detailed exploration of her sexuality and a realistic portrait of how it is to be gay in the modern world than two or three experiences stuck onto a story that was otherwise exceedingly heterosexual in nature.