Time to let the armpit hair grow?

Further evidence that I look too straight for my own good came when I fell into conversation with a bleached blonde, well-dressed young man in the toilets of "Baby Love" last night. Every Tuesday this particular bar/club boasts an enjoyable gay night called "Pop Tarts" and I often find myself ending up there, even on nights such as yesterday, which began as a formal Balliol MCR guest dinner.

I was in the toilets, happily applying lipstick, running my hands through my hair and checking my arm pits for smoothness (as all lesbians do) when I stopped to enquire about the florescent sun-block that a chap had chosen to streak across his face. His response was that he felt he had to make an effort to fit in with the gay image otherwise people would think he was straight. He then began to eat his words, "Not that there's anything wrong with being straight of course." And finally, he apologised.

He had absolutely concluded that I was straight; so much so that when I asked if he'd mistaken me for a straight person, he threw his hands up to his face in surprise and then almost doubled over. He then told me that I was too pretty to be a lesbian which whilst flattering, reminded me how difficult it is to find a beautiful girlfriend - particularly when you want to avoid people whose mouths might still contain your friend's spit.

Hopping over little fences

I'm pleased to report that I've been almost entirely free of the most destructive mood swings for almost eight weeks. It's the longest I've been without prolonged emotional agony in six years. I put this down to three things:
1. Am having a course of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, which is helping me to think in a more functional way
2. I've only touched one alcoholic drink in two months (although my heart did leap when a girl spilt wine on my arm, giving me no choice other than to lick off the winey goodness.)
3. I've got back into regular swimming which takes the aggressive edge off the hypomanic moods.

There's still a long way to go before I can get back to full time employment but things are heading in the right direction. I'm still being troubled by the following:
- my medication makes it hard to get up without 10-12 hours sleep
- I find it hard to discipline myself to keep a regular eating pattern
- chores like cooking meals and doing laundry seem largely unmanageable on most days
- there are occasions when I suffer from extreme anxiety about socialising on mass

All in all, there are still obstacles getting in the way of smooth living, but it's more like hopping over little fences than hurling my body at wapping great brick walls.

How (not) to help your friend to pull

Tonight, at O-LES, I was chatting to a seemingly shy and definitely cute new acquaintance, Miss Chy (a more favourable combination of 'shy' and 'cute' than 'Miss Shyte'), who I'd really like to get to know better, when a friend of mine decided to try and "subtly" signal that a different girl might be interested in me. And how did she choose to do this? By standing behind Miss Chy, making bold thumbs up gestures. It couldn't have been more obvious if she'd included pelvic thrusting or Vic Reeves style thigh rubbing. Alas, Miss Chy looked around in time to see me friend mouthing "Go for it!" with both thumbs up.

Threesomes versus pretending to be pregnant

Threesomes are the modern day fake pregnancy.

I'm lead to believe that in previous generations, if you wanted to trick your man into staying with you you'd cry pregnancy and then have a phantom miscarriage a few weeks down the line. These days it seems that the thing to do, if your bloke looks like he's fetching his hat and coat, is to pretend you have lesbian tendencies and hint that you'll be prepared to have a threesome. I know which leaves the better taste in my mouth.

In the BBC series "Coupling," Jane cries lesbian tendencies when Steve tries to leave her, Linda manages to win back Patrick by displaying a sudden passion for threesomes and in series three of "Peep Show" Michelle manages to prolong her relationship with Jeremy by offering a threesome.

And yes, I am aware that sitcoms are fictional but I know of countless straight women who've cried bisexuality in order to keep bored boyfriends interested. On the one hand it's irritating but on the other hand, it means there are more femme women out there having lesbian sex!

Thought for the day

A straight girl is just a sober bisexual. Fact.

...I hope.

The Latest Party Piece - Lesbian Snogs

I've been trawling through youtube looking for inspiration for short films or at least something to parody and I couldn't believe just how many clips there are of drunk straight women kissing each other while their male friends "Whoop!" and their female friends chuckle. Never have a felt incited to imitate a straight couple for comedic value. Perhaps I should.

How to create the optimum lesbian pulling posse

Two straight, same-sex buddies can go out on the pull together with ease. However, if you're gay, a successful pulling strategy involves an enormous entourage and carefully planning.

Accessory Number 1 - Your Wing Women

Three is the magic number of women on a pulling squad. Any less and potential conquests think you're either a couple or a Nelly No-friends; any more and you become less approachable. It's harder for prowling women to ascertain that you're single if you swamp yourself in too many female friends.

Unless you're a very outgoing person, you will need two wing women. These are strictly platonic friends who you can dance with and compare notes about the talent. When effective, your wing women can help you to pull but beware, choose your wingers wisely or you could end up lowering your chances of pulling.

Ideal wing women have lots of lesbian friends that they can introduce you to, are less attractive than you, look completely different and have a different taste to you in women. The last thing you need, if you're a gorgeous femme with a fetish for bikers, is to hang out with an even fitter biker-fan. If you suspect that you share a taste in women with one of your pulling buddies you must instantly try to sabotage her attractiveness by suggesting unflattering hairstyles, clothes and dance moves.

Accessory Number 2 - Your Gay Guy Group

At a glance, gay men seem like unnecessary clutter in what would otherwise be a pool of solid lesbianism but don't be too quick to dismiss the possibility of befriending one or two, even if their insipid nature bores you or their masculinity turns your stomach. There are two reasons why you should suck up to the odd gay man - firstly because you may need someone to dance with while your friends are otherwise engaged and secondly because gay men can introduce you to other lesbians whose friends are otherwise engaged. Of course don't let it be known that you have no interest whatsoever in their lives, allow them to waffle on about their latest pull and they'll love you forever.

It can be hard to form your gay guy group because gay men are really hard to tell apart particularly when they insist on changing outfits every time you see them. To solve this problem try and pick men from distinctly different races, you only need two or three gay mates so that shouldn't be a problem and also having ethnic friends helps you to look liberal, which is useful in homosexual circles.

Your targets

Once again the magic number is three. Unless you're very skilled at getting what you want, you'll need to focus on more than one girl. However don't be too open minded because if you have too many options you might lose track of your targets. In the lesbian world it is not sufficient to have one sexual interest and one backup plan because it's entirely possible that your first choice for a hot lesbian romp will pull your second choice and you will be left alone. For this reason, you need to set your sights on exactly three women.

Whilst there are no rules about who you should and shouldn't find attractive, the following describes a typical three target situation.

Plan A - The Fittest Girl in the Club

You've never seen anybody quite like her - she's got a hot body, a pretty face and can dance like a demon - but face facts, you're not the only lesbian in the club with eyes so you're going to be in for some serious competition, added to which, she hasn't looked at you once all night. Still, you really need to pull her to prove just how over your ex you happen to have become.

Plan B - Your ex

You don't really want to revisit that territory but your ex does look mighty fine when she makes an effort and girl, can she move! You're not actually going to come onto her (of course!) but if she chooses to stick her tongue down your throat, who are you to complain?

Plan C - Your Admirer

She's not particularly fit but she has been making eyes at you all night and you bet she's great in bed - this assumption is not based on a rational analysis of evidence - you're just trying to convince yourself that it's OK to pull someone with a tache.

So you see, you can't just call up a mate and nip out for a quick prowl, you need at least SEVEN people to complete your optimum lesbian pulling posse.

The Wrong Attention

Once again I went to a gay club for three hours and no lesbians tried to pull me, yet during the two minute walk from the bar to my bike, I got hit on by two men. Ah, Saturday nights...

It's a Dyke-athon

The Oxford gay scene has hit an all time low. When we went out last night, it didn't take my two "pulling buddies" and myself long to realise that there were more lesbians in among our little trio than there were in any of the three gay bars that visited.

Our first choice was the lesbian pub Brewery Gate. I was first to arrive and soon realised that aside from two men playing pool and one large mixed group, the pub was completely empty. This was both a hindrance and a bonus - at least there were less people to assume I'd been stood up when I waited alone for my late friends. I bought myself a drink and pretended to be terribly busy fiddling with my phone.

When my friends arrived we instantly got sucked into conversation, having not seen each other for several weeks. It didn't take the barmaid long to realise that my pals didn't have a drink and she told them, quite ferociously that they should leave if they weren't going to buy drinks. Now bear in mind the fact that the pub was empty, the fact that I had a drink and the fact that we're regulars. We felt entirely unwelcome so decided to go onto The Jolly Farmers.

Whilst the Jolly Farmers is usually quite mixed, when we walked in we were met by a large group of men at the bar who commented "Look! It's a dyke-athon!" Clearly three whole women was too much for them. A quite scout around the pub revealed that when we entered, we had at least doubled the amount of women in the bar. Feeling somewhat uncomfortable, we left.

Next up, The Castle Tavern, which is always a little top heavy on men. Although the pub was reasonably full, we only spotted one woman and she was getting off with a man - although after we left (almost immediately,) we did engage in a certain amount of discussion about whether the gender of the "woman."

We soon realised all was not lost, The G Bar hosts a gay night on Fridays, "7th Heaven". Although it was only half past ten, we swung by to see if there was anybody interesting around - alas, even the cute door girl was nowhere to be seen.

So, like true lesbians, we retired to my friend's house for a cup of hot chocolate, a chat and a bitch about our pulling frustrations.

Welcome back to Oxford.