10 Things I Hate About Couples

1. Couples Dialect

Why is it that lovestruck people add letters to perfectly functional words? For example sleep becomes shleep, duck becomes ducky and, god forbid, kiss, becomes kissy-wissy?

2. Pet names for each other

Most people have a name. Some people are called Bob, or Robert if you want to be formal. His mum calls him Bob, his doctor calls him Bob, his best mate calls him Bob, so why in the world does he want his loved one to call him Polarbear Cakes Tinsel Toes?

3. Pet names for each others genitals

Granted, most people do manage to steer clear of this one, but not all. If you must name your girlfriend's breasts Morecambe and Wise, at least have the decency not to use it in public.

4. When they assume that everybody else wants to be part of a couple too

No, I really don't want you to set me up with your single office mate, I don't care if he's won employee of the month, twice. Yes I know everybody else at the dinner party is bringing a date, I'm going to bring a soul.

5. When they answer for each other

Nothing is worse than listening to Ross tell you that Rachel doesn't like peas, when she's sat right next to you. Has she lost the power of speech? Has she forgotton her legume preferences? Was she undecided and waiting on her boyfriend's permission to enjoy greens?

6. When they bicker in front of you

Granted, there probably are some rows so urgent that they can't wait; I'm yet to witness one of those. I have however witnessed "Which one of us is setting the alarm for tomorrow morning?" and "I thought you said you had chicken at lunch time?"

7. When they use each other's names as passwords

If I cared enough about identity theft to pinpoint a target, I'd probably care enough to find out the name of my victim's boyfriend.

8. When they buy each other cuddly toys

I have a friend who hates stuffed animals. She's the least feminine person I've ever met. Her bedroom is full of hiking gear, Chelsea merchandice and BMX parts. So why was she so delighted when her boyfriend gave her a soft bear holding a plastic heart?

9. When they have faux break-up crises

There are some couples who were destined to marry from the first moment they set eyes on each other. They're not going to break up, they know they're not going to break up, you know they're not going to break up, yet one of them has to repeatedly burst through your door crying, "I think I have to leave him!"

10. That I don't have a partner to lead by example

Perhaps couples wouldn't annoy me quite so much if I could remember what it felt like to take genuine pleasure in naming a stuffed animal after my boyfriend's cock.